The Disappointment Zone

Musings from a Cleveland sports fan

DZ Power Rankings

Posted by disappointmentzone on 6 August 2007

Qs: What happens when your baseball team can’t score a run to save its life? When your football team mortgaged its future to snag a falling quarterback only that quarterback can’t wrap his head around the difference between 2 and 22? When your basketball team now has to deal with KG playing in its conference? (1)

A: You find solace in the Disappointment Zone Power Rankings.

1) Aston Villa
Aston Villa is tied with a few other teams atop the EPL standings. True, no team has played an official EPL match yet, but whatever. If you list the teams in the EPL alphabetically — which is the only fair way to list teams when they are all tied — Villa comes in #2, just behind Arsenal. This might be the only time this season Villa is #2 in the EPL. That alone deserves the top stop here.

2) Ohio State Football Buckeyes
The OSUFB come in second just because they gone the longest without a crushing defeat in a national championship game against a team from Florida.

3) Ohio State Basketball Buckeyes
The OSUBB come in third because….well, because there is no way a professional Cleveland sports team is getting such a high placement in these here rankings.

4)

5)

6) TIE: Cleveland Indians, Cleveland Cavaliers, Cleveland Browns
So the Indians cannot score a run at any opportune moment. The Indians are struggling to score runs at non-opportune moments. The pitching staff is carrying the team and the front office has gotten rid of three pitchers over the last two weeks. At least Lofton is back. It’s always nice to see a gold chain flopping in the outfield. The Cavaliers cannot do anything to get better and have done nothing to get better. Brian Windhorst even reported that both Danny Ferry and Mike Brown are steadfastly against brining in an offensive assistant coach, which just might be the last straw in my (non)relationship with these two people. The Browns cut a serviceable lineman during the off-season only to discover that a lineman they kept has been using steroids and now can’t play until Week 5. Oh, and Brady Quinn is pretty much ruining and goodwill Browns fans had for him by not reporting to camp. The hope of Cleveland rests on the shoulders of Derek Anderson. And should Charlie Frye somehow become the starting quarterback I think I just might rip off my left arm and beat myself to death with it.

Cleveland sports: good times!

fn 1: What do you do when you haven’t written a post for a while and have nothing new to add to the Brady Quinn imbroglio?

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3 Responses to “DZ Power Rankings”

  1. Erik said

    Oh, come on. You’re acting like every Cleveland team is cemented to the bottom of their respective leagues. You’re looking for reasons to complain.

    Just because there hasn’t been any tangible good news to report for the past two weeks doesn’t mean every team in town sucks. Do Cleveland fans really need to constantly have the good news meter fed in order to prevent us from reverting back to “Everything sucks, I wish all three teams would just fold” mode?

    Please. The Indians are in first place, even though they probably don’t deserve to be there. The Browns haven’t lost a worthwhile player yet. Forget Brady Quinn and Ryan Tucker. Tucker is old and needs to have his role on the team reduced anyway. Quinn can take a hike until he wants to sign. It’s not like the season rests on whether he starts or not. And if today’s PD is to be believed, the sides are less than $1 million apart on guaranteed money. So maybe this issue will be resolved sooner rather than later.

    As far as the Cavs go, I’m not sure why you’re beating that horse carcass some more. They had no draft picks, they have virtually no cap space. We knew that two months ago. The Celtics getting Garnett isn’t going to change what Ferry can or can’t do.

    Come on, DZ. You’re better blogger than to post blind-griping stuff like this. I’d expect this out of guys who type in all caps on message boards. Not here.

  2. The point of the power rankings is to poke a little fun at power rankings and people who taking power rankings seriously, which are the sort of people you are talking about. This isn’t a series endeavor.

  3. Haze said

    I have hope for the Tribe, but the Browns and the Cavs are abysmal.

    And I would hope no one takes Cleveland sports seriously. I just use them to stop my brain from thinking. When you work as a cashier nothing gets you thru the day better than thinking about baseball, especially Cleveland baseball. I actually get stupid when Casey Blake flies out to left with one out and a run on first and second. In this way my mode of thinking is better suited for my menial function in society, which is to say I don’t need it (thinking). ‘course, if I was a Red Sox fan I might sometimes drool on myself, so its a good medium.

    YOU-KIL-IK! YOU-KIL-IK! YOU-KIL-IK!

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