The Disappointment Zone

Musings from a Cleveland sports fan

DZ Power Rankings

Posted by disappointmentzone on 3 May 2007

The Disappointment Power Rankings is back and, frankly, the minions who’ve been cramming the numbers are a little confused. It seems that there is a lot of, you know, good news to factor into the rankings this month. The high tech machines used to make the computations just aren’t equipped to handle good news. We’re installing a software patch that should take care of the problem. In the meantime, these rankings are straight from the hip and lack the rigorous analysis that usually goes into them. The rankings, therefore, are provisional and possibly inadequate.

1) Cleveland Cavaliers

The Cavs have waltzed into the second round of the NBA Playoffs after sweeping the lowly and undermanned Washington Wizards. Fret not about how close the games were. If there is one thing the Cavs are not about it’s wasting energy against lesser opponents (see: regular season losses to Bobcats, Celtics, et al). But if there is a thing the Cavs are about it’s expending that saved up energy in games that actually matter. I would be very afraid if I were the Nets or Raptors. LBJ just might start trying and that’s scary.

2) Cleveland Browns

When the Browns drafted Joe Thomas I was so happy I nearly yelped. Keep in mind that I was alone and in a library and am by disposition not prone to sudden outbursts. The team made the right draft choice for the first time since, well, at least since coming back to Cleveland. And then they got Brady Quinn, about whom I’d like to say something: Before the draft I was very much against the Browns drafting Quinn. This was in part because I thought the team needed to address the offensive line but it was also become Quinn went to Notre Dame and that’s just about as certain a way of securing my disdain as anything (going to Fichigan is more certain-er). But now that he’s a Cleveland Brown I gladly (if reluctantly) throw my support completely behind him and I will follow him…until/unless he turns into a bust.

3) Cleveland Indians

The Indians are tied for the best record in baseball (in terms of winning %) with our favorite NL team, the Milwaukee Brewers. Should the year play out as the first month has played out and we end up with a Cleveland-Milwaukee World Series, would Cleveland every really play an away game, and wouldn’t that be too huge an advantage for the Brewers to overcome? The answers: no, yes. Which means a World Series Championship for the Indians. But it’s still only May and the season is long. The good news is that the team is not playing particularly well. The Indians are outperforming their Pythagorean Expected Wins by two games — a nice departure from last season — and so who knows what the team is capable of when playing well. Actually, a lot of people probably know the answer to that: winning by more runs than they are now.

4) Ohio State Football Buckeyes

The good: Anthony Gonzalez was drafted in the first round by the Colts. This was one of my favorite draft choices by a non-Browns team. Gonzalez will have a better rookie year than Calvin Johnson. Mark my words. The less good: Troy Smith falling to Baltimore. It’s nice seeing Smith land with a team that’s a very good fit for him, but it’s terrible to see Smith land with the Ravens. Why? Two reasons. 1) In the same spirit that a US Citizen can’t be drafted into the French Navy (more or less…) no Cleveland native should be allowed to be drafted by Ravens. 2) I think Smith will eventually turn into a better-than-average NFL QB and loathe the prospect of having to watch the Browns play against him twice a year. Remember when I said that now that Quinn is a Cleveland Brown I’ll root for him? Is the reverse true? Now that Smith is a Raven do I have to root against him? Being a sports fan is tough sometimes.

5) Ohio State Basketball Buckeyes

Goodbye Greg Oden, we hardly knew thee. Goodbye Mike Conley. I hope the fact that you don’t have a jump shot doesn’t ruin your chances of earning that oh-so-valuable second contract in the NBA (stay in school, young man!). Goodbye Daequan Cook. The fact that you are even putting your name in the ring makes me want to laugh. I hope you’re a fan of the D League. That’s where you’re headed if you don’t return to Columbus.

6) Aston Villa

Aston Villa is practically dead to me.

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4 Responses to “DZ Power Rankings”

  1. Haze said

    I think you should’ve put the Browns at #1 because that might be the only time it will ever happen. So what if Quinn’s a bust? At least they could have been #1 at something! Have they ever been on top of the power rankings?

    Another reason: without playing, the Browns tried very hard to achieve and in fact may have. Without playing, the Cavs still swept the Wizards and may have also achieved (arguable). As a Clevelander you should know to reward trying bc that seldom happens either. Also, Drew Gooden smokes too much pot.

  2. The Browns were #1 in the inaugural DZ Power Rankings. At the time I wrote:

    1. Cleveland Browns

    The Browns are riding high this week due to a most-surprising victory over the Kansas City Chiefs. What’s more, instead of internally inflicted mental wounds — we are looking at you, Braylon — and internally inflicted physical wounds — speak up, Mr. Bentley, we can hardly hear you — the Browns joined the rest of the NFL this week when Charlie Frye suffered a physical wound inflicted by another team. Never before has a hurt wrist been a sign of normative behavior. Now the other teams at NFL Middle School won’t have to pick on the Browns at recess. We showed that we are tough. Finally, we fit in. We are normal. Cancel this week’s therapy appointment. We are good to go.

  3. Haze said

    Yes, well, Dec. 3 the only Cleveland team playing was the Cavs. It was the regular season, which of course means the Cavs were holding back. So, then, you’ve actually rewarded MY logic of rewarding teams for trying. You might say my logic is… HAZEY ah.. ahaha, but if you’d only broaden your horizon I’m sure you’ll see true greatness.

    Gooden, pass that shit.

  4. Isaiah said

    I don’t think it’s fair to characterize Aston Villa as dead to you because they’ve recently won games 0-2 and 3-0. So they’re securely in the middle of the table and next year should be able to capitalize on their late season success, especially if more players are brought in to secure the back line and midfield…and front…John Carew just won’t do.

    Anyway, Aston Villa are certainly doing better than OSU teams that aren’t even playing. I demand a recount!

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