Roger Brown for Cleveland Sports GM
Posted by disappointmentzone on 26 September 2006
His knowledge and insight are (seemingly) limitless. He is preternaturally able to (seemingly) predict the future with clairvoyant accuracy. He pleads and moans for various Cleveland sports teams to follow his dictates–in drafts, in free agency, in the regular season, in the playoffs, in handling coaching staffs, in handling players. With years spent three steps ahead of every general manager in Cleveland, and with years of (relatively) incompetent general managers stewarding their teams to less-than-stellar performances, isn’t it about time that someone, somewhere, appoint Roger Brown, Cleveland’s own (seemingly) never-wrong crystal-gazer, as the general manager of all Cleveland sports teams?
With his unrivaled powers of cunning and persuasion, with his business savvy and universal acceptance among Clevelanders, Roger Brown is certainly capable of convincing the various owners of Cleveland sports teams to consolidate operations to one umbrella front office, headed by Mr. Brown himself, his sage-like wisdom coming down from on high in the form of short bursts of genius in, perhaps, a quad-weekly column. Who would be against such a scenario? No one sane-of-mind, that’s for sure.
After all, Mr. Brown has already unofficially embraced the role of Cleveland Sports GM–those pearls of wisdom that come so naturally to him (Draft a cornerback, Savage, you idiot! It’s the obvious move.) are already published for all to see by that emanator of sports knowledge, the Cleveland Plain Dealer, complete with supporting commentary by the two-headed savant of LivingShaw, the Auxiliary Directors of Prescience.
Though prone to (seemingly) occasional contradictions, Mr. Brown is always resolutely right. He just operates at a level above the rest of us, the nuance of his thinking so incredible, so devoid of generalities, that he makes the wisest legal scholars and philosophers appear at once to be utter boneheads. The (seemingly) contradictory statements only appear as such because he has to dumb them down to a level accessible to laypeople. His vast knowledge–so ahead of its time, so stupefyingly brilliant–renders anything he records in (to him) plain prose immediately illegible and incomprehensible to us unexceptional folk, kind of like the teacher in the Charlie Brown cartoons, only with a more genius-like aura.
So why not begin the campaign for Roger Brown for Cleveland Sports GM posthaste? In trembling fear that such an act be deemed presumptuous, I hereby toss Mr. Brown’s hat into the ring, as it were, for this eminent appointment. May all Cleveland sports team achieve unparalleled success under the auspices of Mr. Roger Brown, your Cleveland Sports GM.
Who’s with me?